


Your Eyes

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-09 12:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4348190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three times we see Tuomas and Tarja interact. Will she finally understand what the songwriter tries to tell her with his songs? Or does she already know?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. She Is My Sin

Tuomas 

> Another beauty loved by a beast, another tale of infinite dreams. Your eyes they were my paradise, your smile made my sun rise.

 

She didn't get it. She didn't notice. Didn't she care or what? It was so obvious. With every song I opened myself more and more, showed my feelings more and more. I had hoped that she would realise after that album, especially after my masterpiece, Passion And The Opera, but she hadn't changed her attitude towards me. Not a bit!  
"Tuomas? Is everything okay?"  
I looked up and looked right into the concerned face of my best friend Emppu Vuorinen.  
I rubbed my eyes. "Tired", I grunted and Emppu nodded.  
"Me too. It was exhausting but hey - we've done it! You'll come to the party, right?"  
"I don't think so", I said and massaged my right temple to soothe the headache. Emppu stared at me with a shocked expression.  
"But Tuomas, you're the head of the band! You cannot not go to the party!"  
I groaned - I knew the tiny blonde wouldn't leave me alone. "I know but I've got a little headache ... And I have an idea for a new song, I really should write that down."  
Emppu rolled his eyes. "You've already written a whole album not a month ago, what do you want more?"  
'Her to understand', I thought. I couldn't believe it. Should my songs really get MORE obvious? I mean, I was already writing down my deepest fantasies! The reaction of the boys hadn't really a positive one when they had read the text of Passion And The Opera for the first time, to be honest.  
"I want my freedom", I said and looked at the blonde man sternly. "And a little bit of peace. I've spent five weeks in the studio with you and the others and all together I've had about twenty hours of sleep."  
Emppu nodded slowly. "Is it because of Tarja?"  
I froze. "What? Why should it be because of Tarja?"  
Emppu weighed his head. "Well ... You always stare at her when she warms up her voice -"  
"Because she has a beautiful voice", I said grumpily.  
"You write new songs everyday -", he continued and I interrupted him again.  
"What can I do? I have tons of ideas."  
"And your songs sound as if you write them for her - but not in a good way."  
His eyes bore into mine and I shrugged. "In a bad way?"  
"Not bad ... But not really good either. More ... A little suggestive. Like 'Drink from my thighs the rain of lies' ..."  
"And?"  
"You write them from the sight of the singer. Do you write them with the thought she sings to you?"  
I stared at him, pretending as if I had no idea what he was blabbing. "What are you talking about?"  
"Naked limbs reflecting from the moon, I'll be there for you soon. First wish for this night: Let me be your delight", Emppu quoted and I smiled proudly.  
"Great, huh?"  
Emppu groaned. "It's useless. The party starts at eight in my apartment, bro. Please show up."

 

It was 11:25, far beyond eight o'clock.  
I lifted my hand and wanted to knock but I gave up before I did. The music was too loud, so I entered without knocking.  
The party was already on the top, Sami was out of sight, probably in the bathroom, throwing up, Jukka and Emppu were playing Singstar and Tarja sat in the corner of the room, holding a bottle of vodka, and laughing about the guy's try of singing beautiful (they didn't succeed, by the way).  
My heart ached as I saw how much of the liquid was already gone, so I approached the black-haired woman and took it away from her with a swift move.  
"Hey!", she screamed, but when she realised it was me, her face lit up. "Tuomas!"  
"Hey, sweet pie", I said, smiling. I loved her even more when she was drunk, she was so cute and affectionate, then. As long as she wasn't hungry, she was always cute and affectionate.  
I sat down next to her and, like I already thought, she wrapped her arms around me and pressed a kiss on my cheek. "Welcome to the party, perfect songwriter", she whispered.  
The part where she had kissed me was burning. "Why, thank you, perfect singer", I said and smiled at her.  
Her eyes were beaming and I leaned in and kissed her forehead. That moment, Emppu and Jukka had ended their song and cheered.  
"Hey, Tuomas! Kissing our singer? What will come next, a little peep show?"  
I quickly got away from Tarja, but she laughed and hugged me harder. "You're just jealous!", she giggled and Emppu raised a brow at me.  
"You're a little late."  
"I wrote a new song, I told you that. And I didn't want to come here before I wasn't done."  
"Let hear", Emppu said.  
My mouth went open. "Let what hear?"  
"Tell us a line of that new song", Jukka said.  
Shit ... I quickly thought of a few random lines and the result wasn't even bad, to be honest. "Bless me, undress me, pick your prey in a wicked way. God I must confess, I do envy the sinners."  
The others were quiet for a few seconds, until Jukka began to applaude.  
"Wow, what's the name of this song?", Emppu asked and I gave him a stern look. "It's a surprise."  
Emppu and Jukka looked at me concerned, but then they decided to sing another song. While the first tunes of a ballade started, Tarja let her nail run up and down my spine.  
I closed my eyes and shivered. "What are you doing?", I whispered and she put her chin on my shoulder, while she continued the light caress.  
"Tell me the rest of the song", she whispered. "I am the singer after all ..."  
Her breath smelled like alcohol and I pushed her away.  
"No, sweet pie", I whispered my nickname for her into her ear. "You'll hear it when you're sober."

 

Later I discovered that Sami had gone home before I arrived, he hadn't been feeling well.  
It was a little bit after midnight and Tarja was asleep and leaning against me. I had my arm around her like her protector ...  
She breathed slowly and sighed every now and then.  
"Awww", Emppu suddenly said as he ended another song, I Got You Babe. "Jukka, look, Tarja is sleeping, ow, doesn't she look cute?"  
"Shh, you'll wake her up", I grunted. I loved Tarja in every way but mostly I loved her sleeping. I knew that, when she was asleep, she looked very peacful and innocent and cute ... Not like the opera-voiced headbanger I knew, not at all.  
"Admit you like it", Jukka suddenly said.  
"Like what?", I asked and the guys grinned at me evilly.  
"Her. Sleeping on you", Jukka answered and Emppu nodded enthusiastically. At their swaying and their bad result at Singstar, I could see they were drunk like two depressive spinsters, so I simply smiled at them.  
"Who wouldn't enjoy the feeling of a beautiful woman leaned against them?", I whispered and Jukka and Emppu cheered once again.  
"Guys, I'll bring her home, okay?", I asked as they calmed down.  
"Will you come here later again?", Jukka asked. "I'm afraid of Hobbits."  
Emppu laughed, but when he got the joke, he froze. "Hey!"  
I grinned. "Yep. I'm gonna tug her in and come back. Please continue your singing, Sonny and Cher."  
The boys rolled their eyes but they chose another song, obviously not I Got You Babe again.  
I pulled Tarja close to me and lifted her up. She was as light as a feather, so I had no hard job. I carried her out of Emppu's apartment and when the door shut, she opened her eyes.  
"Tuomas?", she asked with a dry mouth.  
"I'm gonna bring you home", I said gently and she nodded, closing her eyes again.  
In the car she helped me to put the seatbelt on her, but the second I started the engine, she was back to sleep again.  
I thought about the line I had said out if the blue, before. Bless me, undress me, pick your prey in a wicked way. God I must confess, I do envy the sinners.  
I could definitely make a song out of that.  
I brainstormed a little and cursed myself for not having stayed at home with my papers and pencils. But then again, I was happy I drove to the 'party', this way Tarja didn't have to sleep on the floor and boy, I knew she would have done it, if I hadn't come.  
After ten minutes I stopped the car in front of the house of my beloved and looked at her. She was still sleeping with that steady sighs she let out every now and then. I unbuckled her seatbelt, got out of the car, crossed it and opened the door. I lifted her into my arms again.  
"We there?", she mumbled.  
"Yes, Rakkaani", I said gently and she smiled.  
"Careful, Holopainen ... One could think you ..."  
"I what?", I asked her, but she had her eyes shut once again. Poor girl, she had to be so exhausted. Weeks spent in the studio, weeks of singing, working, having both fun and being stressed. Spending five weeks with the same people, being the only woman ... Two weeks ago, she almost had slapped Emppu in a rage attack, but I had saved him and she had slapped me instead.  
I took the keys I had for her house. Yes, I had her keys. She once gave me one, I had to bring her home so often.  
I carried her upstairs carefully, trying not to wake up her family. Luckily we arrived at her door without any interruptions, and once entered I laid her down on her bed. I cupped her face and said the new line once more.  
"Bless me, undress me, pick your prey in a wicked way. God I must confess, I do envy the sinners."  
"Beautiful", Tarja mumbled. "Tell me more ..."  
I smiled and caressed her face. Luckily I had thought of the text in the car. "I am the Fallen, you are what my sins enclose. Lust is not as creative as its discovery."  
"Do you mean me with those songs?", Tarja suddenly asked.  
I froze. "Maybe", I said with a beating heart and she opened her eyes.  
"Maybe?", she asked a little angry.  
"Go to sleep, sweet pie", I said, but suddenly she grabbed my collar.  
"Answer me", she growled. "Are the songs written about me?"  
I looked at her. She was so drunk. Why did she drink so much, as if she needed it? I nodded, she wouldn't remember it anyway. "Almost all of them, Rakkaani."  
"Okay", Tarja said slowly and let go of my collar, but instead of that she put her hand on my cheek and sat up.  
Her lips were on mine within a second and after the light shock, I kissed her back. Our lips moved slowly and melted together more and more and soon our tongues touched. I could taste various sorts of alcohol in her mouth, and that was the time where I knew it wasn't right.  
I pulled back. "Good night", I whispered and pushed her back gently. She landed on the bed and looked at me desperately.  
"Good night", she said softly and I took her hand.  
"See you tomorrow, okay?", I asked.  
Tarja nodded.

 

[Quotes all by Nightwish:  
Gethsemane  
Passion And The Opera  
She Is My Sin]


	2. Forever Yours

Tarja

> In my world love is for poets. Never the famous balcony scene, just a dying faith on a heaven's gate.

 

"Sorry ... Sorry, guys ...", I stepped over the amounts of feet, trying to reach my family. The mass had already started and the people looked at me annoyed when I climbed over them.  
Finally I had reached my family and let myself down between my mother and my brother. "You're late", my mother whispered.  
"Sorry, I was on a Nightwish-meeting", I mumbled back.  
"Tuomas is here since the beginning of the mass", Toni told me and indeed, two rows in front of us I could spot his wavy, black hair.  
"What is he doing here ...", I mumbled. He hadn't been at the meeting.  
My heart clenched a little. Ever since we had shared the drunken kiss (well, drunken from my side), he avoided me. He always was the last to come to meetings and the first to go. He didn't call me anymore, he didn't look at me directly, didn't talk to me directly ...  
I coughed. My throat was hurting and I was afraid my cold could turn into the flu.  
"Everything okay?", my mum whispered.  
"Yes, I only have a little cold", I whispered back and mother looked at me.  
"Between you and Tuomas", she explained and I pressed my lips together.  
It's been two weeks ... Two weeks of avoiding, of course she had noticed.  
"He's a little pissed about something", I lied (well, I hoped he wasn't really pissed because I had kissed him).  
"Words, Tarja. We're in a church", mother mumbled and I looked up to the ceiling.  
"Sorry", I said with a smile. 

After the mass was over, I ducked down as Tuomas stood up and turned around.  
"Tarja?", mother asked confused.  
"Shhhh", I hissed and looked up to her with pleading eyes. She laughed and shook her head, before she stepped over me and went out of our row, me following in a still ducked down position. I didn't want him to see me, I needed to surprise him so he couldn't run off.  
I could hear Toni say, "Hi, Tuomas" and knew he was in front of us now.  
I stood up again and saw I was right, Tuomas was a few metres in front of me, so I hurried to meet him outside.  
"What the hell is up with her?", Toni asked and mother said "Watch your tongue, son! And don't ask me what's up with her - I have no idea."  
I didn't care about their conversation and left the church.  
Outside I caught him. I just grabbed his shoulders and called his name. He twirled around and looked at me with a really shocked expression.  
"Tarja! You were in the church?!"  
"Didn't you see me?", I asked a little mean and coughed. "Why do you avoid me?"  
He opened his mouth and closed it again. "Uhm ... I don't."  
"You do!", I said angrily and pulled him away from the entrance. "What did I do to you?" I had decided to pretend as if I couldn't remember the kiss, I just wanted to know if he was manly enough to talk about it. To be honest, our tongues hadn't been a great part of the kiss, I remembered him pulling back as mine found my way in his mouth ... I felt my cheeks go hot. "I ... I just thought I've done something to you I can't remember", I mumbled and coughed again.  
"Do you have a cold?", Tuomas suddenly asked.  
"Yes, but that doesn't matter -"  
"It does!", Tuomas groaned. "No, go to the pharmacy right away and buy cough syrup and lozenges for your throat and a nasal spray ... We need your perfect voice and right now you sound like a duck!"  
I glared at him. He only cared about my voice! "Fuck you", I said and a few people turned around and stared at me shocked. I didn't care. "You're neglecting the band and fact is, it's mostly YOUR band!"  
"Tarja -"  
"Don't wanna hear a word", I said. "You avoid me without a reason? Fine. If that's going to continue, I'm out of it."  
And with that I walked away, once again not caring about the looks of the people who had heard our conversation. I was used to it since I was a child.  
Be a little different and be punished, that was the secret main rule in Kitee.

On Tuesday I was only lying in bed. My throat and nose were completely closed, I couldn't say a word and I couldn't breathe trough my nostrils, which made my throat even dryer and my cough even worse. My head was throbbing and I had a high temperature. Right now I was crying angry tears - I was so mad at myself for being ill. The doctor had prescribed antibiotics for me, he had said it was dangerous for my ears to get an inflammation, so the antibiotics should kill the mucus there or something ... But whatever, for me it only meant: No singing for at least a week.  
I wanted to kill myself.  
I drank tea like I breathed air, herbal tea with honey, I took painkillers, cough syrup and nasal spray, just as Tuomas had suggested.  
Mostly I laid around and stared at the ceiling. My whole head including my throat hurt and I wanted to die.  
No one but mother dared to enter my room, the risk of me infecting someone was too high.  
But a day after that, on Wednesday, the door opened and once it wasn't my mother. My heartbeat got faster immediately.  
"Tuomas?", I croaked and he looked at me shocked.  
"Will you ever be able to sing again?"  
I threw an angry look at him, once again he only cared about my voice. What an egoist. How could I just feel something for him the way I did?  
"Here, I brought you something", he said and threw a package of cough sweets on my bed.  
'Because of that', I answered my silent question from before and took the notpad. With a weak and trembling hand I wrote "Thank you" on it, before I showed it to him.  
He grinned and sat down on the edge of the bed.  
"Must be hard, huh?"  
"What?", I wrote on the paper.  
"Being quiet. You can't keep your mouth shut for a minute, must be really hard for you not to talk."  
I lifted my weak hand and wanted to slap him, but he took it instead. My heart almost jumped out of my chest, when he entwined our fingers and looked at my hand gently. He slowly looked up to me and when our eyes met, the time was standing still.  
His eyes were sunken into mine and mine were sunken into his.  
There was only us, we were alone, no one was drunk ...  
He obviously thought the same, he got closer slowly, he closed his eyes and ...  
"Tuomas, I'm ill", I croaked.  
He opened his eyes again and I wanted to punch myself. WHY HAD I JUST SAID THAT??  
"I know, and?", he asked a little unsure.  
"Don't want to infect you", I wrote on the paper and he suddenly took the note pad and the pencil away from me. In his wonderful, lovely handwriting he wrote:  
"I don't care, Rakkaani."  
"But I do", I wrote back and almost stopped breathing when he laid his big, strong hand on my cheek gently.  
"I'm going to tell you now why I avoided you."  
I nodded and he caressed my cheek.  
"Two weeks ago", he began shyly, "after the party, you ... Tarja, you kissed me."  
I nodded and his mouth fell open. "You remember that?", he whispered and I nodded again.  
"Wow ... You must really regret that, huh?"  
I shook my head sternly and he smiled a smile which made my heart melt. He came a little closer.  
"I thought you didn't remember, so I avoided you ..."  
I smiled back and he crawled on my bed, took my face between his hands and looked at me.  
"My time is yet to come, so I'll be forever yours", he whispered.  
As I felt the tears in my eyes, I closed them. How did he manage to say these beautiful texts out of the blue?  
The tears ran over my cheeks and soon his lips were on mine, so gently and so softly. Our lips moved in union as if they were made to kiss the others. Tuomas brought his hands on the back of my head and applied a little pressure, I opened my mouth to welcome him and he accepted. Soon our tongues were melted together and I forgot about my need to cough or my headache or anything else.  
He was here, he was on me, he was kissing me ... His hands wandered more down and he grabbed my waist fondly, while I buried my hands in his hair. He tasted amazing, he felt amazing.  
I felt the vibration of his humming and let my hands wander down to his shoulders.  
When I let my nails wander over his shirt, he deepened the kiss a little, soon it was only longing and passionate instead of slow and sweet.  
Our tongues fought for dominance and our hums ans moans filled the air.  
But then it happened - I had to push him back, I was panting hard. My mind was turning and I only saw stars.  
I fell back on the bed.  
"Tarja?", Tuomas asked worried.  
"Out of ... air", I breathed and closed my eyes. "Oh good god ..."  
As the stars had vanished, I sat up again and took the note pad.  
"I don't know what to say", I wrote.  
Tuomas laughed, took the pencil from me, crossed out the 'say' and wrote 'WRITE' over it.  
I rolled my eyes and let myself fall back once more. Suddenly my headache was gone ... What a miracle. Maybe I should kiss him again to make the other pains heal as well ...  
Tuomas cupped my face one more time and smiled at me from above. "That was perfect", he whispered and I nodded with a beating heart.  
He kissed me again, but this time it was only a small and sweet kiss.  
"My fall will be for you, my love will be in you. If you be the one to cut me I'll bleed forever", he said and caressed my face.  
Once again I was stunned. Where did he always take those beautiful lyrics from? Did they just pop into his head?  
"I'll see you tomorrow, sweet pie", Tuomas said with a small smile and I smiled back at him before I pulled him down for another little kiss, which deepened again.  
But once he had left my room, I just couldn't calm down.  
My heart was hammering and I was nervous. I knew about that little crush I've had on him ... But what if it wasn't a crush?  
What if I loved him? What if he loved me?  
What if this love succeded?  
And what if it didn't?

 

[Quotes:  
Swanheart  
Forever Yours  
Ghost Love Score]


	3. Nymphomaniac Fantasia

> Come cover me with you, for the thrill till you will take me in. Come comfort me in you, young love must live twice only for us.

 

Tuomas

I rubbed my eyes and smiled. It really has been a long time when I had looked forward to a day, but this morning something was different; I could barely await the following day anymore. Tarja was coming to the meeting at the studio today, she had called me yesterday to tell me she felt better and I had jumped around in my room after that call.  
I almost had said that I loved her before we had ended the call, but then I remembered that we had only kissed thrice - well, two times we had shared long, passionate and intense kisses and our first ond had been a smaller, shorter kiss. Sadly this had been the last time I saw her, the days after had been very stressful and I didn't want to visit her in the evenings, I was afraid of disturbing or worse, scaring her. Of course this was ridiculous, I had already slept at her house several times when it had gotten too late - but somehow I was afraid she would be scared anyway. After all, we had only kissed three times ... Three wonderful, magical times.  
I sighed.  
Anyway, I had only told her that I was happy about her recovery and had ended the call.  
But right now I was really nervous, I would finally see her again. After four days I finally could see her again, kiss her again, ask her out, maybe.  
And I was nervous because I knew we had to talk. She could remember the kiss from the party three weeks ago, which meant she also remembered that I had confessed the truth about the meanings of the songs I wrote for the band and about her.  
The morning lasted too long for my liking, I couldn't stop thinking of her for a single minute. I ran around in my room, singing, while I cleaned everything. Normally I didn't care about the mess in my room, but boy, love really could change people.  
Not only my heart was beating with expectation and excitement when I pictured Tarja and me alone in my room, alone in the house, maybe dancing to a slow song and kissing, about to take the final step which would lead into a love relationship, also my lips turned into a wide smile as I knew that this had no longer to be a secret fantasy of mine. I only needed to find a time where my family was out. Or I had to move out. Maybe Tarja and I could move together soon ...  
Good god, come down.  
I was so in love. To be honest, I had never really believed in such a feeling I felt for her now, not even after I've admitted my love for her to myself. No, before Tarja and I had kissed, I hadn't believed in THOSE feelings. Sure, before the kisses I had loved her, longed for her and later I had craved for her.  
But now ... I kinda had her. And that was a completely different feeling. It still was a craving kind of love, but now it also was a happy, fulfilling, satisfying kind of love, a feeling that made my heart swell with happiness instead of clench with sadness. I wasn't lovesick, I wasn't unhappy in love and I could proudly say:  
I was happy to be in love with the love of my life. It could only get better.

 

Tarja

Everytime I thought of Tuomas, my ears began to glow and my cheeks went red.  
I still couldn't believe it, after a single, small and simple kiss where nothing else had happened I dreamed of him twice!  
And the kind of the dreams ... A shiver went down my spine when I thought back.  
In both dreams I had been ill. In the first he had visited me and we had kissed twice. It had been really erotic, but it was nothing like the second dream ...  
I had felt a little better, when he had visited me again. He had brought me flowers, told me he loved me and then ...  
Well, let's say, I had woken up panting and very ... Well, extremely wet.  
There were no flowers anywhere and when I called Tuomas to tell him I'd come the next day (don't think suggestive here, Tarja) he had sounded as always. Which meant he wasn't ill and that again meant that both of the dreams had been only erotic dreams. I closed my eyes and remembered the details of the second dream ...  
Why did dreams always have to fade away? I couldn't think of all details anymore, only yesterday I had remembered a line he had said to me before he had kissed me and now I only remembered the "I love you" and what had happened after it.  
No, to be honest I didn't even remember that. When I had woken up after the dream, I was sweating and still could feel the after glow of the orgasm that had washed over me in my dream, really, I could feel it. Now I felt nothing. I didn't even remember how his naked skin had felt against mine. Well, it only had been a dream, so why should I remember? I was nervous. What if I could never look at him again?  
"Tuomas", I said while looking right into the mirror. And my ears began to glow, my cheeks began to redden. I groaned. "It didn't happen!", I screamed at the Tarja in the mirror. "It was a fucking dream!" I laughed. "Literally."  
Probably he didn't even like me. I remembered a day in the studio when our hands had touched because we both wanted to grab the microphone ... He had pulled back his hand quickly as if my touch had burned him. Or as if I disgusted him ...  
I rubbed my eyes. Don't cry, I told myself. If he really doesn't like you, he is no tears worth.  
I lifted my head and smiled at the black haired woman in the mirror. She looked beautiful today.

I cracked my knuckles and swallowed. I was standing in front of Tuomas' hourse nervously. I couldn't bring up the courage to ring the bell. If Tuomas opened, I wouldn't be ready and maybe get red or say something stupid. But if his mother or anyone else opened, he or she would notice that something was different between us. Susanna had a sixth sense for things like that. I crossed my fingers and prayed to God it would not be Tuomas or Susanna who opened and finally rang the bell.  
And God had heard me, his mother opened. My face lit up, I hadn't seen her in ages. "Kirsti, hi!"  
"Hello, Tarja, my dear", my former piano teacher said and embraced me. "How are you? Tuomas told me you've been ill!"  
"A lot, I had about 40 degrees, mother told me I've even fantasized", I said and we parted. "Luckily Tuomas didn't come to visit me, otherwise he'd been lying in bed right now. No, I really feel okay again."  
Kirsti looked at me confused (I wonder why) but then she said, "Tuomas is upstairs. Maybe you should quickly go to see him, he's been waiting for you."  
And then it happened. I reddened.  
Kirsti's look softened as she noticed it and she smiled. "Is everything okay between you?"  
I only nodded, my ears glowing.

 

Tuomas

"Tuo, I'm here!", Tarja called and I held my breath. I was at the door within a second, my hand freezing on the doorknob, my heart beating.  
You're gonna hold her in your arms in less than a minute, I told myself and smiled. Finally!  
I opened the door and she grinned at me.  
"Tarja", I said with a slightly trembling voice. "Back from the death?"  
"Oh haha", Tarja said and her cheeks went red.  
I smiled, she was so adorable ... But suddenly she looked away, hiding her red cheeks and went past me. I was about to embrace her from behind, pressing a kiss on her neck, when she destroyed everything with one sentence.  
"I was pretty down, luckily you didn't visit me." My heart skipped a few beats.  
"W - what?"  
Tarja turned to me. "You definitely would have infected yourself if you've came closer to me than ten metres." She laughed again and I just stared at her with a disappointed feeling in my chest.  
Why did she pretend as if nothing had happened? Or didn't she pretend? Could she really not remember?  
But that made no sense! Why would she remember our kiss when she was drunk but not our kisses when she was ill?  
'Because she doesn't want to be yours', a little voice in my head said.  
No, she didn't want to. It had to be this way, of course she could remember, she had reddened before! Or maybe she's still a little sick ... I thought back and cursed myself for not checking if she had a high temperature when we had kissed, I guess she did. So she let it look like as if a high temperatured Tarja had forgotten our kisses, only because she didn't want me. And she knew very well that I knew that she knew we had kissed when she was drunk but she pretended as if she didn't know that I knew ...  
My head was turning, it was so confusing. What was she up to?  
"Tuomas?"  
"Huh?"  
Tarja waved her hand in front of my face. "You look a little dizzy."  
"I don't feel that good, to be honest", I mumbled.  
The stings in my heart went directly to my stomach and made me almost throw up.  
She really didn't want me ...  
"You should sit down", Tarja said and touched my upper arm to lead me to my bed, before I sat down. Tarja laid a cool hand on my forehead, her lips were apart and now she was gasping slightly. "You're a little hot", she mumbled and I watched her blush again. "Maybe you're about to get ill, my sickness has started with fever too ..."  
"But how? I didn't visit you, how could I have infected myself?", I whispered, the pain in my stomach and heart growing as I said I hadn't visited her.  
Tarja avoided my look. "I don't know ..."

 

[Quote: Come Cover Me]


	4. Passion And The Opera

> I know my dreams are made of you, of you and only for you. Your ocean pulls me under, your voice tears me asunder. Love me before the last petal falls.

 

Tarja

I came home, my eyes swollen. I just couldn't spend time with him anymore, so I had to flee. As soon as I looked at him I saw us naked, our limbs entwined, our lips and tongues melted together to one. As soon as he opened his mouth, I could feel his baritone vibrating against my neck, I could hear him moan my name ...  
I was a mess. I rubbed my eyes dry and breathed in and out, I had decided it. I would leave the band.  
It was too much for me, if I really never ever could look at him again and touch him again without blushing and my mibd getting dizzy, I had no reason to stay. This was personal business, not career business, but it seemed as if I couldn't part them.  
In the bus I had started to cry, it had been too much for me. The thought of singing a song while Tuomas was right behind me, a song written by him, singing it while I knew I loved him so much I even dreamt of him but he didn't - it broke my heart.  
I felt stings in my chest as my heart clenched and prevented me from breathing.  
I pressed myself against the wall and breathed loudly to grasp for some air, tears were still streaming down my face.  
"Tarja?"  
I looked up and saw my mother come closer. Her eyes were ripped open and her hands covered her open mouth, she stared at me shocked. "Tari! Tari, what happened?"  
"I'm going to leave Nightwish", I sobbed and let myself fall down.  
Mother sat down next to me and pulled me against her. "Do you want to talk about it?"  
I sobbed into her shoulder. Should I? We usually never talked. But, to be honest, right now I just needed a woman to talk to. So I told her everything, my love for Tuomas, our short kiss, my dream of our passionate kiss and, after a wave of sobbing, I quietly told her about my second dream. Of course I didn't tell details, but enough to make her understand that he had made love to me in my dream.  
She weighed me in her arms, she said nothing but she held me. It felt great, being hugged by a woman, being hugged by my mother who loved me and cared for me and my happiness.  
But when I had ended my story, she slowly stood up.  
"There is something I need to tell you, Tarja. Show you." She cupped my face and wiped her hands over my cheeks to dry them from my tears.  
"What?", I asked quietly and she smiled at me.  
"Come with me, Tari. Come on." She helped me to stand up and then she pulled me upstairs and in my room.  
"What do you want to show me in my room?", I asked and rubbed my tears.  
"Something I found while I cleaned your room after you were healthy again", she answered and opened a drawer of my desk I never needed - and pulled out the notepad I had used while my voice was gone.  
"My notepad?", I asked and mum opened it, obviously looking for something specific.  
And as she had found it, she gave it to me.  
"Don't want to infect you", I read. It was my handwriting, no doubt. And no doubt he had written back:  
I don't care, Rakkaani.  
I gasped and looked at my mum. "We ... We kissed after that", I remembered and suddenly my eyes were full of tears again.  
"Turn to the next page", mother said smiling. "I really like that."  
I did as she said and had to laugh - I had written "I don't know what to say", but the say was crossed out by him and he had written write over it.  
"That's so him", I mumbled. "So he was really here ... It was no dream ..."  
I suddenly blushed and looked at the floor. "So we ... we ... Did we ...?" I gulped.  
"If you had sex?", mother said and I stared at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing at the moment. "Tari, we're adults, let's talk about that like adults would do."  
"But I can't remember it", I mumbled.  
"Then talk to him like an adult would do." Mother smiled lightly. "All I know is that I only remember him visiting you once, not twice."  
"So what should I do now?", I said desperately and stared at our written conversation.  
"What do you want to do?", mother asked and I avoided her look again.  
"Honestly? I want to drive to him and just kiss him ..."

So why don't you just do it?  
I smiled. My mother was too great. Why have we never talked like that before? The last time we've had a mother-daughter talk had been like four years ago ... Before Nightwish. I remembered that I told her about my little crush on this guy from school, but not naming him. Did she know it had always been the same, back then and now?  
I looked in the little mirror I always carried around, the little piece of egoism that was still left. I loved my looks, I knew I was indeed pretty. I've been bullied because of my voice and my talent ... and maybe also because of my somehow different looks. And because I had more friends who were boys than girls. But I never really cared, I was proud at my eyes and I loved my face, it wasn't the usual round and cute, it was skinny and had some strong cheekbones, because I was skinny in general. I loved my character and the way I could deal with boys.  
With every boy but the one I felt so close to. The one I loved from the bottom of my heart.  
Once again I combed my long, black hair I loved as well and looked at my reflection again. I looked even prettier as usual.  
It was time. I pulled out my mobile phone and called him. He picked up after a few seconds.  
"Tarja", his nervous voice said. "I tried to call you, why didn't you pick up? Are you alright?"  
"I am, Tuomas. Are you at home?" I smiled when I saw his shadow in his lightened room as he appeared at the window.  
"I am", he answered. "Do you want to go out? Should I pick you up?"  
"Open the window", I answered softly and ended the call. Soon I could see him looking down.  
"Tarja?"  
"Surprise", I said with a light smile and soon he had swung himself out of the window. He climbed down and after a few seconds he had reached me.  
"You know what?", I laughed. "There's also a normal way to get out of a house."  
"I wanted to be by your side as fast as possible", he said and embraced me. "Are you alright?", he asked again and I embraced him back.  
"Tuomas ...", I whispered and buried my face in his shirt. He smelled so good ...  
"Tarja?", he mumbled against my head.  
"Never let go of me", I pleaded and he gently kissed my forehead.  
I closed my eyes and whispered, "Tuomas ... I remember everything ... Our first kiss and our kisses when you visited me ... I was ill ... I'm sorry but I thought I had only dreamed of that visit, I'm so sorry, Tuo ..."  
"But now you remember?", he said and put his hands on my cheeks. I nodded and he smiled. "And that I told you that almost all lyrics of the songs I write are about you?"  
My face fell as I looked up to him and my heart skipped a few beats as the meaning of what he had just said reached my brain. "What?", I whispered and Tuomas swallowed, before he knelt down and took my hand.  
What was he up to? Did he want to propose?  
"Tarja Soile Susanna Turunen", he said and smiled up to me. "The meaning of the words I write. The face I see when I close my eyes. The lips I want to kiss every day before night." I smiled gently. Was that a new song? "The eyes I want to look at last in a day, your eyes. The body I want to ravish all over and over again ..." I blushed and he did too, before he continued. "The voice which makes my head spin around. Yours Tarja, yours. I love you, Tarja Turunen, I love you. I love everything about you."  
He squeezed my hands and I couldn't hold the tears back. "You ... You ..?", I sobbed. He loved me? He really did?  
"The laugh that makes me want to laugh as well, your eyes, the eyes which are my paradise, the smile which makes my sun rise ..." He winked at me as he said the sentence that reminded me of Gethsemane. "The quiet sobs I didn't mean to cause, the broken heart I want to heal ..."  
"No, no. My heart is not broken", I sobbed again and finally he stood up. He put one hand on my cheek and the other on my waist.  
"I love you, Tarja. I love everything about you."  
And my lips crashed against his, my arms circled his body and I pulled myself close. I laid all my love and my desperate longing in that kiss and was glad he responded it.  
"I love you too, Tuomas", I mumbled against his lips and could feel him smile. He grabbed my thighs and lifted me up while I grabbed his face and felt the soaking wet streams of tears on his cheeks. He stroked my back while I pressed my thighs against his body so I couldn't fall ... Though I knew he wouldn't let me. We kissed for minutes and when we slowly parted again, I looked down to him with a watery smile. My arms were around his neck and his hands caressed my back.  
"And now?", he whispered, his eyes full of happiness, love and relief.  
"Now you're going to take me to your room", I whispered back and pecked his lips gently.

 

The end? 

 

[Quote:  
Beauty And The Beast]


End file.
